My biggest fear...

I only wish I could write down exactly what is going through my mind. Truth be told, however, it is humanly impossible for me to convey the battles going on in my brain. It sometimes literally feels like my brain is about to loose control. The struggle seems to greater and greater and my biggest fear becomes more a reality.

I'm forgetting what it was like to be a mom. Not just a mom, but a mom to Audrey. As little memories pop into my head, I seem to forget the common events that surrounded that memory. For instance, the video of Audrey jumping on her bed when she was supposed to be napping. What was going on before that? what happened after I got her out of her crib? Simple daily happenings are starting to slip my mind. I don't really remember what It was like when I got home from work to spend the evenings with her. I forget what it was like to go out with her. I only remember what she sounded like when I watch her videos. Basically, I'm forgetting what it was like to have her around.

The more I realize that, the harder everything gets. She was my world, and she was taken from me. Its really hard to function when someone you love so so much is taken from you so suddenly(whats worse, the way she was taken from me).

I know so many people like to give advice, and quite frankly, if you're name doesn't have a Dr. in front of it and if you don't get paid hundreds to give out advice, I really don't care to hear it. There are a few people who say words that I really need to hear, but the whole 'I know what you're feeling I lost my 90 year old grandmother/I had a miscarriage', 'She will always be with you', and my favorite 'It gets easier with time' kinda makes me want to punch the person talking to me. This may sound harsh, but put yourself in my place-oh wait...you can't. Don't try to sympathize, because you never will understand.

Well this kind of turned into a vent but whatever. If that was my only vent for awhile I think I did pretty good.

April 10th 2011

Everything was there...the cake, the balloons, the guests. The only thing missing was the birthday girl- my beautiful angel Audrey. Her party (all planned by the amazing Serena Lemmons) was absolutely perfect. The weather even decided to stop being cold this day.

As I woke up that morning, I decided the day could go one of two ways. I could have started the day angry...Mad that my baby wasn't there to celebrate her 2nd year of life. I mean, seriously I believe I even have grounds to have been upset. Everyone else gets to celebrate THEIR kid's 2nd birthdays...and 3rd...and 4th... It just didn't seem fair to all parties. Audrey will never be around to anticipate an upcoming day completely devoted to her. A day where she is in the spotlight and the envy of every other child. And I will never get to plan a day where I can completely spoil my little girl.

Option two was to wake up and to live the day like she were here. Simple as that. This is the option I went with.

I got up, got myself ready and rushed out the door to meet my friends to set up for her party. We baked the cake, blew up the balloons, and had the most pink birthday party ever. I spent the day surrounded by the people who have been here for me 100% of the time...through good and bad. Through my good days and my HORRIBLE days... no questions asked.

As I stepped back and though about everything my friends had done for me..I recalled something my psychologist had told me (yea I'm not afraid to say I'm a nut job in therapy haha). "If you only expect the bad, you will only notice the bad". I realized that I had lived the last 4 months expecting nothing but the worst things to come in life. Noncoincidentally, I only saw the horrible things happening in my life. But as I looked around at all the smiling faces of my friends around me, I realized how lucky I am to have the love and support from them...

So as the wind blew, preventing me from being able to light the candles, (which I am convinced was Audrey trying to blow them out), And As I opened the most sincere gifts imaginable, I decided to try to live life positively. To try to see the good things happening around me...

And as I sent a bunch of balloons to Audrey in Heaven, I knew that she would have loved her party and the people there.