Memories...

In a little less than 3 weeks, my beautiful baby girl would be turning 2 years old. I can picture it  now. Pink balloons, pink streamers, pink chocolate cake...Although Audrey won't be with us to celebrate her birthday, I can promise you there will still be a celebration of her life. In honor of that, I would like everyone who ever got the chance to meet her, even if it was only once for a short time, to go ahead and list your favorite memories of her...

I'll start us off...

*A few hours after she was born, while I was still drugged up after my c-section, the young corpsman takes her to change her diaper. Mid-changing, Audrey decided to squirt-poo all over the place, to which the corpsman responds "WHOAA GNARLEY!!!"
*When my mom would visit, she would take Audrey outside to lay in the little patch of grass that was in front of my house. It was under the trees, so there was a nice breeze going. This usually happened as I got home from work so I got to hang out with Audrey outside.
*After she learned to crawl, she figured out ways to make it easier. She would grab a stuffed animal in each hand, and bear crawl across the floor. Since she had the animals in her hands, she would just slide across the floor.
*Audrey liked eel and sushi.
*Right before she would soil her diaper, she would say "butt, butt" go in her room and grab me a diaper. Great heads up.


These are just a few. Please go ahead and list your favorite Audrey Memories....

Letter to my baby.

So I went to the Psychologist today and my homework was to write my baby a letter. Obviously, If given the chance  I would have much much more to say to her, but this is the best I could come up with at the time.
*****************************

To my beautiful baby girl,

Oh sweet little Audrey I miss you so much. Although you were only with me for 2 years, the amount of joy you brought is enough to last my lifetime. The wonderful memories you gave me will carry me through whatever it is that comes my way. I wish for nothing more than to be able to tell you that I love you over and over again.

You left a lasting impression on everyone that you ever met. I've been told many times from various people that you were the most fearless, sweet, gorgeous baby girl ever. I learned so much from you. You taught me to never give up. Keep climbing the couch until you get up top next to mommy. You taught me to not be afraid of anything. Run straight into the ocean-Don't hesitate. You taught me to enjoy the simple things. Chase the birds around until you catch one. You taught me that love knows no limits. Never, ever, ever let go of the one you love (in your case, Dot).

My sweet sweet baby...as the days go on I remember small things here and there that I miss the most.

*I taught you to give kisses. You would kiss me every day when I dropped you off at the babysitters.
*Everything you said was a question. Even the statements. 'Dot?' 'More?' 'Peeeasse?' 'Good?'
*You wanted me to rub your feet with lotion everyday as soon as I got home from work
*You pointed to your nose when my mom said you were nosey.
*For a 18 month old, you could throw like a champ.
*I asked you if you wanted a HurtsDonut and you smacked ME in the face

Although you never learned how to say "I love you mommy" your actions told me, and I think I miss that more than anything. Looking at the videos I have of you, every time you would do something funny to make me laugh, you would look over at me, see me laughing, and do it again. I was always afraid that when work had me away for a long period of time, I would come home and you would forget about me. Ill never forget coming home and seeing the biggest smile on your face as soon as I walked through the door.

Now hunny bunny, I need you to do me a favor. There is a man up there in heaven. He got there a short time after you did. You'll recognize him because I guarantee he is the one with the biggest smile on his face, probably showing off how amazingly cute his baby boy is and how outstandingly beautiful and strong his wife is. This brave man gave his life for our country. I want you to go to him and hold his hand and tell him he is my hero. You two were the most brave people I have ever met. As much joy as you gave me please give to him.

I will never get over the pain of losing you Audrey Rachel. You were the most precious gift that I have ever received. You were the greatest blessing in many peoples lives. I will see you again sweetie, and until then, know that I always always love you.

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you"

Forever little hunny bunny,

Mommy

Why Rainbows...

Here I sit again at work. Its 2pm and I am done with all my work for the day. I've been done for a few hours too so I though once again I would fill my computer screen with a few of the million and 1/2 thoughts scrambling through my brain.

This time I think I'll explain my love for rainbows and why I get all teary eyed anytime I hear anyone sing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"

November 20th was the day that my little baby girl had to be taken to the hospital. What started off as a sunny Saturday morning turned into a cloudy, stormy night. Seing how the Mojave Desert rarely sees rain, this was odd to begin with. Audrey was unable to be flown from Hospital to hospital because of the lightning. We traveled 2 hours from 29 palms to Loma Linda University Children's Hosptial. It seemed like as the evening went on, and my mood and dimeaner worsened, so did the weather.

The next morning after she had passed I was in the car driving home. The clouds were still hanging over my head. Pulling onto the freeway, a rainbow appeared off into the distance. I thought that seemed rediculously unfitting, but it followed me. It followed and followed and followed. So, I took a picture of it.
   Soon, it seemed fitting. I remember when little 2 week old Audrey was at home, and I had just changed her into a pretty pink dress, I said "Pink is her color". My mom said "EVERY color is her color" Those of you that met her know she had a very colorful personality. She always acted like a little grown up.

All that aside, I had a big turning point today. I have finally come to grips with the fact that my life will never be normal. I guess this whole time, I've been going along just thinking that eventually everything would return to the way it was and Id go back to not having a care in the world. I was sitting in an unbelieveably dry lecture that my Commanding Officer was giving, thinking to myself  'this is it. I can't change anything. What happened, happened. I need to accept it and make the most of it'. So people, here I am. Letting it all hang out in the open. My life is screwed up and I know it. For whatever reason, I was chosen to bear this burden and I have come to embrace it. I know my battles are far from over, but as of now I know that I have the unwavering support of my close friends and family. So get ready for me world. Im not going to let myself be held back.

If Dot could talk...

Let me start first and foremost by sharing the story of how "Dot" came to be.

Tim was on duty, and I had to drive a friend to the Airport. I needed a babysitter quick, fast, and in a hurry. Luckily, one of Tim's friends voulenteered at the last moment. Off Audrey went to their house where she would spend the evening playing with the other 2 small children that lived there. After a long drive to and from Ontario International Airport (about 2 hours from 29 Palms) I arrived to pick up the baby. Then came the first time I laid eyes on the teddy bear. Audrey was passed out in her car seat clutching the bear that the babysitter's young daughter had given her. The girl had recieved the bear through a 'Toys for Tots' donation where every child of a Marine was given a small gift for Christmas. I really didnt think anything of it. I packed her in the car and went about my merry way.

As the months went on, I noticed a strong bond growing between Audrey and this bear. Although she didn't really say many words, there was an association between the word "Dot" and the teddy bear. Hence, the bear became known as Dot. As her speech progressed, she would even tag along "Dot ze bear" every time. If she dropped it somewhere she could not reach, she would point to me and say "Dot ze bear?". I would walk in to wake her up from her crib, see Dot on the ground, and it would be "Dot ze bear?". The first thing she said when she came out of the bath tub........"Dot ze bear?"

This bear went with her EVERYWHERE. It even made me late for work once. I was rushing out the door to take Audrey to the babysitters so I could get to work on time, when she dropped the poor thing into a dead piece of shrubbery. It was covered in those little prickly things that come off of dead plants. Audrey was a wreck. She just wanted "DOT ZE BEAR!!!". I was trying my hardest to pull out all of the little prickly things so Audrey could have her bear. I called work and frantically tried explaining to them that I was going to be late for work because I had to clean off Dot and it was an emergency...

"uhhh...Who's Dot?"

"YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I NEED TO SAVE DOT!"

Dot was as well traveled as Audrey was. It  (yes, 'it'. I never specified if Dot was a he or a she. I like it that way). occompanied her to San Diego, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Ohio, Yuma Arizona, amongst other places. Dot spend more time with Audrey than I did, as a matter of fact. It even appears in more pictures of her than any other person or thing. I wish this bear could talk and tell me all of the stories that I was never able to see or hear. I know there would be HUNDREDS of them. Because of what Toys for Tots did for me, I decided that in December, I would do something for them. I was able to hold a toy drive and donate many, many toys to the organization.

Although Dot can no longer be with Audrey now, Dot stays with me every night. I can still hold on to Dot at night and whenever I want to feel my baby close to me. Im sure that there will be more stories to come in this amazing bear's life.