Moving Along...

So here I sit at work on my computer. I have nothing to do (well I'm sure there are lots I can be doing, however I'm lacking the motivation to be productive...I digress). I've come to realize I've made it six months. Half a year ago, I lost my baby girl. Half a year ago, my life practically ended. Half a year ago, I couldn't picture my life in half a year, but here I am. It's still a daily struggle just to make it through a day of work, but somehow someway, I am making it.

It seems like these past few months have flown by. So many happenings. Never a dull moment. I've also come to realize that I'm running out of hurdles. One by one all of my individual battles have come to an end. The one that still remains is the doozy though. My mental health, as it seems, is my biggest hurdle. Trying to overcome the plauge of horrific images that stop me from being able to do anything, whether its sleeping, working, or even watching a movie, has become the hardest thing to do. Thoughts and pictures from that terrible night always seem to inadvertantly creep into my mind without me realizing it, and before I know it, I'm completely helpless.

To avoid the pitfalls of what these horrible traps may become, I have come to realize simple truths. My little Audrey is now in the safest place she can be. Although I give up sweet memories that I had yet to make (like sending her to her first day of school, teaching her to ride a bike, helping her pick out a prom dress), I also loose the painful ones (Falling and breaking her first bone, the stresses of all night homework, having her heart broken by some stupid boy)...She will now never know pain, only joy. She will never know sadness, only happiness. And she will never know longing, only anxiousness (the good kind).

I've also come to realize how greatful I am for the people that have walked into my life within these past few months as well. I love my friends more than anything, and though I know I am never really vocal enough in how much I love and appreciate them, I can honestly say I would not be standing here now if it wasn't for them. They were the ones that put up with my CONSTANT depression. They were the ones that made sure I was never alone (even if it meant a simple trip to walmart). They were the ones that stayed up with me until 2 in the morning because I was having nightmares, and they were the ones that would get me off the couch and take me out to clear my mind. I cant even count the ways that they have all managed to help me out but I know I can never forget them.

My biggest fear...

I only wish I could write down exactly what is going through my mind. Truth be told, however, it is humanly impossible for me to convey the battles going on in my brain. It sometimes literally feels like my brain is about to loose control. The struggle seems to greater and greater and my biggest fear becomes more a reality.

I'm forgetting what it was like to be a mom. Not just a mom, but a mom to Audrey. As little memories pop into my head, I seem to forget the common events that surrounded that memory. For instance, the video of Audrey jumping on her bed when she was supposed to be napping. What was going on before that? what happened after I got her out of her crib? Simple daily happenings are starting to slip my mind. I don't really remember what It was like when I got home from work to spend the evenings with her. I forget what it was like to go out with her. I only remember what she sounded like when I watch her videos. Basically, I'm forgetting what it was like to have her around.

The more I realize that, the harder everything gets. She was my world, and she was taken from me. Its really hard to function when someone you love so so much is taken from you so suddenly(whats worse, the way she was taken from me).

I know so many people like to give advice, and quite frankly, if you're name doesn't have a Dr. in front of it and if you don't get paid hundreds to give out advice, I really don't care to hear it. There are a few people who say words that I really need to hear, but the whole 'I know what you're feeling I lost my 90 year old grandmother/I had a miscarriage', 'She will always be with you', and my favorite 'It gets easier with time' kinda makes me want to punch the person talking to me. This may sound harsh, but put yourself in my place-oh wait...you can't. Don't try to sympathize, because you never will understand.

Well this kind of turned into a vent but whatever. If that was my only vent for awhile I think I did pretty good.

April 10th 2011

Everything was there...the cake, the balloons, the guests. The only thing missing was the birthday girl- my beautiful angel Audrey. Her party (all planned by the amazing Serena Lemmons) was absolutely perfect. The weather even decided to stop being cold this day.

As I woke up that morning, I decided the day could go one of two ways. I could have started the day angry...Mad that my baby wasn't there to celebrate her 2nd year of life. I mean, seriously I believe I even have grounds to have been upset. Everyone else gets to celebrate THEIR kid's 2nd birthdays...and 3rd...and 4th... It just didn't seem fair to all parties. Audrey will never be around to anticipate an upcoming day completely devoted to her. A day where she is in the spotlight and the envy of every other child. And I will never get to plan a day where I can completely spoil my little girl.

Option two was to wake up and to live the day like she were here. Simple as that. This is the option I went with.

I got up, got myself ready and rushed out the door to meet my friends to set up for her party. We baked the cake, blew up the balloons, and had the most pink birthday party ever. I spent the day surrounded by the people who have been here for me 100% of the time...through good and bad. Through my good days and my HORRIBLE days... no questions asked.

As I stepped back and though about everything my friends had done for me..I recalled something my psychologist had told me (yea I'm not afraid to say I'm a nut job in therapy haha). "If you only expect the bad, you will only notice the bad". I realized that I had lived the last 4 months expecting nothing but the worst things to come in life. Noncoincidentally, I only saw the horrible things happening in my life. But as I looked around at all the smiling faces of my friends around me, I realized how lucky I am to have the love and support from them...

So as the wind blew, preventing me from being able to light the candles, (which I am convinced was Audrey trying to blow them out), And As I opened the most sincere gifts imaginable, I decided to try to live life positively. To try to see the good things happening around me...

And as I sent a bunch of balloons to Audrey in Heaven, I knew that she would have loved her party and the people there.

Memories...

In a little less than 3 weeks, my beautiful baby girl would be turning 2 years old. I can picture it  now. Pink balloons, pink streamers, pink chocolate cake...Although Audrey won't be with us to celebrate her birthday, I can promise you there will still be a celebration of her life. In honor of that, I would like everyone who ever got the chance to meet her, even if it was only once for a short time, to go ahead and list your favorite memories of her...

I'll start us off...

*A few hours after she was born, while I was still drugged up after my c-section, the young corpsman takes her to change her diaper. Mid-changing, Audrey decided to squirt-poo all over the place, to which the corpsman responds "WHOAA GNARLEY!!!"
*When my mom would visit, she would take Audrey outside to lay in the little patch of grass that was in front of my house. It was under the trees, so there was a nice breeze going. This usually happened as I got home from work so I got to hang out with Audrey outside.
*After she learned to crawl, she figured out ways to make it easier. She would grab a stuffed animal in each hand, and bear crawl across the floor. Since she had the animals in her hands, she would just slide across the floor.
*Audrey liked eel and sushi.
*Right before she would soil her diaper, she would say "butt, butt" go in her room and grab me a diaper. Great heads up.


These are just a few. Please go ahead and list your favorite Audrey Memories....

Letter to my baby.

So I went to the Psychologist today and my homework was to write my baby a letter. Obviously, If given the chance  I would have much much more to say to her, but this is the best I could come up with at the time.
*****************************

To my beautiful baby girl,

Oh sweet little Audrey I miss you so much. Although you were only with me for 2 years, the amount of joy you brought is enough to last my lifetime. The wonderful memories you gave me will carry me through whatever it is that comes my way. I wish for nothing more than to be able to tell you that I love you over and over again.

You left a lasting impression on everyone that you ever met. I've been told many times from various people that you were the most fearless, sweet, gorgeous baby girl ever. I learned so much from you. You taught me to never give up. Keep climbing the couch until you get up top next to mommy. You taught me to not be afraid of anything. Run straight into the ocean-Don't hesitate. You taught me to enjoy the simple things. Chase the birds around until you catch one. You taught me that love knows no limits. Never, ever, ever let go of the one you love (in your case, Dot).

My sweet sweet baby...as the days go on I remember small things here and there that I miss the most.

*I taught you to give kisses. You would kiss me every day when I dropped you off at the babysitters.
*Everything you said was a question. Even the statements. 'Dot?' 'More?' 'Peeeasse?' 'Good?'
*You wanted me to rub your feet with lotion everyday as soon as I got home from work
*You pointed to your nose when my mom said you were nosey.
*For a 18 month old, you could throw like a champ.
*I asked you if you wanted a HurtsDonut and you smacked ME in the face

Although you never learned how to say "I love you mommy" your actions told me, and I think I miss that more than anything. Looking at the videos I have of you, every time you would do something funny to make me laugh, you would look over at me, see me laughing, and do it again. I was always afraid that when work had me away for a long period of time, I would come home and you would forget about me. Ill never forget coming home and seeing the biggest smile on your face as soon as I walked through the door.

Now hunny bunny, I need you to do me a favor. There is a man up there in heaven. He got there a short time after you did. You'll recognize him because I guarantee he is the one with the biggest smile on his face, probably showing off how amazingly cute his baby boy is and how outstandingly beautiful and strong his wife is. This brave man gave his life for our country. I want you to go to him and hold his hand and tell him he is my hero. You two were the most brave people I have ever met. As much joy as you gave me please give to him.

I will never get over the pain of losing you Audrey Rachel. You were the most precious gift that I have ever received. You were the greatest blessing in many peoples lives. I will see you again sweetie, and until then, know that I always always love you.

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you"

Forever little hunny bunny,

Mommy

Why Rainbows...

Here I sit again at work. Its 2pm and I am done with all my work for the day. I've been done for a few hours too so I though once again I would fill my computer screen with a few of the million and 1/2 thoughts scrambling through my brain.

This time I think I'll explain my love for rainbows and why I get all teary eyed anytime I hear anyone sing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"

November 20th was the day that my little baby girl had to be taken to the hospital. What started off as a sunny Saturday morning turned into a cloudy, stormy night. Seing how the Mojave Desert rarely sees rain, this was odd to begin with. Audrey was unable to be flown from Hospital to hospital because of the lightning. We traveled 2 hours from 29 palms to Loma Linda University Children's Hosptial. It seemed like as the evening went on, and my mood and dimeaner worsened, so did the weather.

The next morning after she had passed I was in the car driving home. The clouds were still hanging over my head. Pulling onto the freeway, a rainbow appeared off into the distance. I thought that seemed rediculously unfitting, but it followed me. It followed and followed and followed. So, I took a picture of it.
   Soon, it seemed fitting. I remember when little 2 week old Audrey was at home, and I had just changed her into a pretty pink dress, I said "Pink is her color". My mom said "EVERY color is her color" Those of you that met her know she had a very colorful personality. She always acted like a little grown up.

All that aside, I had a big turning point today. I have finally come to grips with the fact that my life will never be normal. I guess this whole time, I've been going along just thinking that eventually everything would return to the way it was and Id go back to not having a care in the world. I was sitting in an unbelieveably dry lecture that my Commanding Officer was giving, thinking to myself  'this is it. I can't change anything. What happened, happened. I need to accept it and make the most of it'. So people, here I am. Letting it all hang out in the open. My life is screwed up and I know it. For whatever reason, I was chosen to bear this burden and I have come to embrace it. I know my battles are far from over, but as of now I know that I have the unwavering support of my close friends and family. So get ready for me world. Im not going to let myself be held back.

If Dot could talk...

Let me start first and foremost by sharing the story of how "Dot" came to be.

Tim was on duty, and I had to drive a friend to the Airport. I needed a babysitter quick, fast, and in a hurry. Luckily, one of Tim's friends voulenteered at the last moment. Off Audrey went to their house where she would spend the evening playing with the other 2 small children that lived there. After a long drive to and from Ontario International Airport (about 2 hours from 29 Palms) I arrived to pick up the baby. Then came the first time I laid eyes on the teddy bear. Audrey was passed out in her car seat clutching the bear that the babysitter's young daughter had given her. The girl had recieved the bear through a 'Toys for Tots' donation where every child of a Marine was given a small gift for Christmas. I really didnt think anything of it. I packed her in the car and went about my merry way.

As the months went on, I noticed a strong bond growing between Audrey and this bear. Although she didn't really say many words, there was an association between the word "Dot" and the teddy bear. Hence, the bear became known as Dot. As her speech progressed, she would even tag along "Dot ze bear" every time. If she dropped it somewhere she could not reach, she would point to me and say "Dot ze bear?". I would walk in to wake her up from her crib, see Dot on the ground, and it would be "Dot ze bear?". The first thing she said when she came out of the bath tub........"Dot ze bear?"

This bear went with her EVERYWHERE. It even made me late for work once. I was rushing out the door to take Audrey to the babysitters so I could get to work on time, when she dropped the poor thing into a dead piece of shrubbery. It was covered in those little prickly things that come off of dead plants. Audrey was a wreck. She just wanted "DOT ZE BEAR!!!". I was trying my hardest to pull out all of the little prickly things so Audrey could have her bear. I called work and frantically tried explaining to them that I was going to be late for work because I had to clean off Dot and it was an emergency...

"uhhh...Who's Dot?"

"YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I NEED TO SAVE DOT!"

Dot was as well traveled as Audrey was. It  (yes, 'it'. I never specified if Dot was a he or a she. I like it that way). occompanied her to San Diego, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Ohio, Yuma Arizona, amongst other places. Dot spend more time with Audrey than I did, as a matter of fact. It even appears in more pictures of her than any other person or thing. I wish this bear could talk and tell me all of the stories that I was never able to see or hear. I know there would be HUNDREDS of them. Because of what Toys for Tots did for me, I decided that in December, I would do something for them. I was able to hold a toy drive and donate many, many toys to the organization.

Although Dot can no longer be with Audrey now, Dot stays with me every night. I can still hold on to Dot at night and whenever I want to feel my baby close to me. Im sure that there will be more stories to come in this amazing bear's life.