My biggest fear...

I only wish I could write down exactly what is going through my mind. Truth be told, however, it is humanly impossible for me to convey the battles going on in my brain. It sometimes literally feels like my brain is about to loose control. The struggle seems to greater and greater and my biggest fear becomes more a reality.

I'm forgetting what it was like to be a mom. Not just a mom, but a mom to Audrey. As little memories pop into my head, I seem to forget the common events that surrounded that memory. For instance, the video of Audrey jumping on her bed when she was supposed to be napping. What was going on before that? what happened after I got her out of her crib? Simple daily happenings are starting to slip my mind. I don't really remember what It was like when I got home from work to spend the evenings with her. I forget what it was like to go out with her. I only remember what she sounded like when I watch her videos. Basically, I'm forgetting what it was like to have her around.

The more I realize that, the harder everything gets. She was my world, and she was taken from me. Its really hard to function when someone you love so so much is taken from you so suddenly(whats worse, the way she was taken from me).

I know so many people like to give advice, and quite frankly, if you're name doesn't have a Dr. in front of it and if you don't get paid hundreds to give out advice, I really don't care to hear it. There are a few people who say words that I really need to hear, but the whole 'I know what you're feeling I lost my 90 year old grandmother/I had a miscarriage', 'She will always be with you', and my favorite 'It gets easier with time' kinda makes me want to punch the person talking to me. This may sound harsh, but put yourself in my place-oh wait...you can't. Don't try to sympathize, because you never will understand.

Well this kind of turned into a vent but whatever. If that was my only vent for awhile I think I did pretty good.